We got a late start on Monday, and by late start I mean we had been up for over four hours by the time we hit the road at 7:30 for a full day of walking.

I don’t believe in Fun Runs because I think the intersection of the two is a lie. Also, when I’m running I have no fun, and given my track record at 5 and 10K races, there isn’t much running either.

It’s just math.

Yet for some reason, every time we’re on vacation I’m like, “Honey, do you know what will be awesome? Let’s walk for miles and miles through painfully uneven terrain until everything is sore and I’m miserable. Then let’s spend 15 minutes panting so heavily that I can’t even focus on the beautiful bouncing vista we worked so hard to get to. It’ll be AMAZING!”

See those wind turbines on the horizon? They kept moving further away from us.

Today’s bout of bipedal masochism was the Lahaina Pali Trail, a five mile extravaganza if you have two cars or a five mile extravaganza if you want to walk halfway and then back and leave the other half for another day. We chose to do the Maalaea side of the hike, reach the midpoint of suffering and then return back to our car. The hike climbs over a mile with wind turbines in the distance that never really seem to get closer until all of a sudden you want a donkey and a lance to tilt the bastards. The walk up to the midpoint is a zigzag hobble over lava rocks and if you can stop wheezing long enough to turn around, features stunning views of the valley below. While the trip up was an exercise in cardio, my core got enough of a workout on the way down that I can cancel Pilates for curling for the next decade.

My deep breath powered sixteen homes in Maui today. #Green

After a quick lunch at the Shops of Wailea, as our waitress was more interested in getting us in and out so that she could have the restaurant to herself again, and a few more minutes shopping (I totally got a cool new island hat. Totally. Cool. I am not your father).

This gardener’s portfolio is more diversified than mine.

We did another three miles on the Coastal Nature Trail. This paved path runs along the ocean, between the beach and the fancy pants resorts where the other half third one-percent vacations.

“God, this view is incredible! Let’s go get a taco.”

The stunning vistas are only compromised by the even more stunning opulence on the other side. It’s a worthwhile walk, but only if you bring comfortable shoes and a lot of drinking water—surprisingly the richies aren’t throwing a lot of shade on the path. Speaking of which, it’s pretty clear by the signs every five feet where you belong.

In Hawaiian, “Aloha” means both welcome and Do Not Enter.

We wrapped up all of the walking with a thirty minute dip in the ocean and hope that our backs, calves, feet, shoulders, knees don’t seize up in the middle of the night. Eddie Money might have two tickets to paradise, but after walking over nine miles, if he doesn’t have two pair of comfy hiking shoes, I’m not interested.

No mention of the risk of drone strikes for walking on private property.