Illustration by Bill Jordan

I’ve seen things, man.
Things which cannot be unseen.

Slides full of paragraphs, full of jargon, full of more bullets than an M16.
Like the phantom vibrating of a cell phone that’s not in my pocket, I can’t escape The Webinar.

I wake up in a cold sweat, screaming out “TEN STRATAGIES TO CONVERT CLICKS TO CUSTOMERS!” and “TRANSLATING YOUR PERSONAL BRAND INTO SALES!” to no one in particular, but at society as a whole.

My wife and kids left. Then the dog abandoned me.

Now, it’s just the cat and I and even he isn’t interested in the dozen slides I put together on “Under the Couch: Fur to Kibble Ratios.” It must be the slide on vacuum power vis-a-vis tuna consumption that has him bugged out. I don’t even know anymore.

I don’t shower. I don’t shave. I telecommute now and have no need for the cubical. I’ve transcended the need for a human’s touch. My laptop and internet connection are my only ties to the physical plane. I have become the living embodiment of the duality of the mind-body split.

YOU NEED ME TO WORK ON SATURDAY???

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I never stopped working on Friday, bossman.

Illustration by Bill Jordan

“Who just joined please?”

“Who just joined please?”

“Who just joined please?”

Conference calls are the Thunderdome of boredom. Ten men enter and nine men sleep. They are like Sunday afternoon before the discovery of Netflix. It takes ten minutes to call the roll of beeps. To discover who are the true vocal warriors. The winners, as is their custom, will claim their prize by accepting an invite to the next concall. Trophies are proudly posted to an Outlook Calendar like moose heads on a tavern wall. Their next challenge is exactly like the one they just attended and exactly like the one before that. Some thrive in this environment and can’t wait to dial in again. The rest?  Well they keep talking, but don’t take themselves off mute–too busy in Excel calculating the exact number of days until retirement to notice.