Category Archives: Essay

How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

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I was asked this question quite a while back. Here is the answer I came up with.

The answer can only come from serious scientific inquiry. To do that we need to design an experiment to find out how much wood a woodchuck can chuck. As with any experiment, we need a control group. To get that group, I suggest putting 18 woodchucks in one burlap bag for 7-10 business days. If any come out alive, take them to a biker bar and buy them some shots. But don’t get too close, those surviving woodchucks are going to be really pissed.

Now that we have a control group (hopefully) we need to set up the experiment. I suggest taking at least five woodchucks who have an identically measured hypotenuse based on a triangle measured from the front incisors, to the epiglottis, to a Subway restaurant just outside Toledo, Ohio.

With the trial group, we need to find an excellent source of wood. I am sure there are plenty of suburban McMansions to choose from, and since they are all identically soulless, just pick any one outside a major city—but make sure the owners aren’t home, otherwise we’ll probably had a bittersweet laugh at the pub over a beer about our pending grand jury.

It’s also important to make sure the home has unsecured WiFi. Do not forget this!

Now, let the woodchucks loose on the house. Be sure to have adequate scales to handle the volume of chucked wood the woodchucks are chucking!

Finally, while the rest of the scientific team is tallying the amount of wood chucked, turn on your laptop, connect to the unsecured WiFi and Ask Jeeves.

Now all that’s left to do is doctor the results successfully enough that a peer reviewed journal doesn’t realize you are completely full of crap.

Anatomy of a Reply All

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Barb in Accounting
Subject: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Just a quick reminder to turn off your PC’s over the holiday weekend.

Thanks,

Barb

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Steve in Marketing
Subject: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

I have a laptop, do I need to turn that off too?

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Mary in IT
Subject: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

We aren’t doing any system updates, so just do what you normally do.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Mark in IT
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

God Mary, those marketing guys are dumb!!!
– Mark

Please think of the environment before printing this email.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Jamal in Operations
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

ENOUGH WITH THE REPLY ALL!

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Todd in HR
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Why am I getting all of these emails?

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Tony in HR
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Will I still get my emails if my computer is off?

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Mark in IT
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

I just want to apologize to Steve for my previous email. Sorry.
-Mark

Please think of the environment before printing this email.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Beth in Sales
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

LOL!

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Todd in HR
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

I’d like to get Barb from accounting between the spreadsheets if you know what I mean.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Nancy in HR
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Todd – Can you please come down to my office? NOW!

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Andy in Marketing
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Stop the madness.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Andy in Marketing
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

You do realize that if you reply all IT GOES TO EVERYONE IN THE COMPANY, RIGHT????

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Andy in Marketing
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

STOP IT!

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Joe in Legal
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Andy – you do realize replying all to ask people to stop replying to all is obnoxious and why no one wants to talk to you at the Christmas party, right?

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Mary in IT
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Yes, you will still get your emails if your PC is off.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Mary in IT
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Sorry, I didn’t mean to reply all.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Jennifer in Operations
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

I don’t understand who all these people are and why you are emailing me?????????

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Dale in Sales
Subject: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

I will be out of the office and will be back on Monday.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Jerry in Management
Subject: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Mark – I seem to be getting a lot of email can you come down and see what’s wrong with the Outlook?

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Fran in Management
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

I will fire the next person who hits reply all.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Beth in Sales
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

LOL!

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Fran in Management
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

Beth – Clean out your desk.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Neil in Logistics
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

OUCH!

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Fran in Management
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

You too Neil.

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Three weeks later.

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To: Everyone@work.com
From: Dale in Sales
Subject: RE: Out of Office: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Please Turn off PC’s Over the Holidays

What’s up with all these emails?

Please advise!

Dale

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