I wandered into my neighborhood liquor store on Wednesday to pick up a six pack of aiming juice for curling and noticed they were setting up for Halloween.

“So, you guys going to hand out little bottles of liquor to the kids?”  (This is my favorite old man liquor store joke next to “It’s not like I’m going to return it,” when asked if I want a copy of my receipt).

“No, we are going to give little tastes of wine to any parents who want one, and we have all of that for the kids.”

I looked to my left and saw three massive pumpkins full of individually wrapped, tiny, plastic sealed sugar goodness.  There isn’t a king sized pillowcase in the world that could have hauled off that diabetic booty.

My heart sank a little bit since I knew that parents feel more comfortable letting their kids get candy from a store than to actually take them door-to-door through our neighborhood.

Here’s what happens every year:

We buy a bunch of candy and get really excited to see all of the kids in their costumers—little Batkids, robots, ghosts and football players (I expect a lot of Jared Allens tonight as nothing says “fun” like dressing your child up in a number 69 jersey) being forced to mumble “thank you” by their parents all night.  Then a few hours before the big event, get really irritated at the grocery store as all of the kids are in massive lines, blocking everything I need to get to (mixers and cheese) because they are trick-or-treating INSIDE the store.  Between 5:30 and 7, maybe ten kids stop by our house for candy.  Then we have a break until 8 PM, when the high school kids show up uncostumed.  By the third one of them, I drop an entire bag of no-longer-fun sized candy into the kid’s bag and turn off the porch light.

Normally when we talk about the commercialization of a holiday, we think of CVS stocking Christmas stuff in October or Valentine’s Day chocolates the day after Christmas.  We talk about how holidays exist solely for the purpose of selling us stuff, and not how companies are taking the holiday from us.  Minimum wage retail employees being forced to work on Thanksgiving Day is the real war on Christmas.  That’s not a real door buster HDTV, Charlie Brown.

Instead of Smarties from the odd family on the corner house, it’s Peppermint Patties at Subway.  Rather than chatting about how cold it is with our neighbors, it’s kale chips at Whole Foods.  “I hear the Trader Joe’s is handing out full flax-seed bars! Score!”

One year when I was little, I got a pair of white dress shoes from my grandpa and borrowed a briefcase from my dad.  I slicked back my hair, put on a red sweater vest and went as a door-to-door insurance salesman, thereby illustrating my generation’s well developed sense of irony before I even understood what irony was.  Also, my briefcase was stocked with candy cigarettes.  I predated the integration of Halloween and companies years before I had the tables turned on me.

This isn’t Citizens United; these are just some employees handing out candy in lieu of me getting to do it.
Much like the tiny shopping carts advertising “customers in training,” this too perpetuates the concept that commerce is essential to our identity.  It defines our communities by our stores rather than by our people.

Maybe I’m just turning into a cranky old man, but one night a year I do want kids on my lawn.

On the bright side, I hear Chipotle is handing out cups of guac.

So this story was banned by Fox News, but would also lead to the impeachment of Obama?  This spammer forgot to never forget Benghazi.

While the Chicago Bears were making the cringe worthy Super Bowl Shuffle, the Cleveland Browns were doing something just as amazingly painful.  Here I live blog the “Masters of the Gridiron” the 1986 Browns straight to VHS film featuring Mike “The Baabarian” Bab.

0:15 – It’s as high tech a production as paint on black cardboard can be.  The title cards remind me of Bob and Doug Mackezie’s: Mutants of 2051 AD – which quite frankly isn’t that far away now.
0:41 – Glad to see they swiped the font from every Death Metal band ever for the title.
0:53 – Oh nothing, just some smoke to cover up their Star Wars licensing violation.  Note: This is the smoke monster’s first appearance on film.
0:59 – I’m so old I remember when eye black didn’t have to make a statement that enhanced your off field personal brand.
1:01 – Clay Matthews, Jr. would really like his dad to put on a shirt right now.  At least I think that was Clay Matthews, Sr.  I was only 12 at the time and wasn’t really into memorizing abs and mullet combos.
1:13 – I too lose more buttons on my business casual dress shirts while combing my lustrous chest hair than I’d like to admit.
1:23 – Man Bob Golic and Ozzie Newsome have the type of relationship that Batman only wishes he had with Alfred.
1:29 – First mullet close-up.
1:34 – You can’t tweet from the locker room on game day, but a telegram is cool?  Well, I guess if it’s from George Voinovich then everyone better listen.
1:35 – Do you remember Pony being viable a sports company because one guy on camera with two thumbs does.
1:56 – Oh those shoulder pads of the 80’s, on football players and women’s suit jackets.  The really were slimming, we’re they.  “Lydia, call the dry cleaners and have them put should pads in all of my technology company branded polo shirts!”
2:11 – You can’t smoke cigars in the stadium anymore mother bleeper, so get ready for the future!”
2:15 – If you hear the music during the Lions’ game and don’t think, “All your Browns, your Browns. All your Browns are belong to Cleveland,” well then we can’t be friends anymore.
2:25 – I miss multipurpose stadiums.  Quite honestly, I think every football stadium should have a dirt infield just to make things fun.
2:30 – The Lions.  LOL!
2:50 – Glad to see the cameo from like 18 Freddie Mercury impersonators.
3:00 – Glad to see “Wake up!” hasn’t changed as the NFL’s first test for concussions.
3:24 – If you are ever wondering what decision to make in life, do the opposite of what Opus Dei asks you to do.
3:40 – MOUTH CLOSEUP.  My god, this is worse than an Arby’s commercial.
3:42 – My precious!  Looks solemnly at beer and considers throwing Lord Stanley’s Cup into Orodruin.
3:53 – The mysterious Lord of the Ring is mysterious because he suspended Ray Rice two games for beating the shit out of his future wife while simultaneously suspending Josh Gordon for testing positive for a drug that isn’t connected to violence.
4:01 – Many dangers include, but are not limited to, the following final bosses of Madden: Detmer, Couch, Pederson, Wynn, Holcomb, Garcia, McCown, Dilfer, Frye, Anderson, Quinn, Dorsey, Gradkowski, McCoy, Delhomme, Wallace, Weeden and Campbell.
4:06 – Bears, Rams and Falcons are not nearly as scary as that lot because they haven’t been our quarterbacks.
4:12 – The people from Erie, PA are probably confused right now.
4:21 – I guess swords would make the NFL even more interesting.
4:36 – Is that horn made from Eric Dickerson’s ear?
4:49 – Not sure if that is a unicorn or an extra from a college performance of Lysistrata.
4:55 – The map looks a lot like Game of Thrones but is missing all the naked boobs.
5:06 – Are the “Hills of Linebacka” in Boston because they’re missing the “r.”
5:21 – Looks like Ozzie Newsome is modeling an Uggs prototype.
5:33 – Mike Pagel foreshadows the typical fan reaction to every Cleveland quarterback reactions from 1999 on.
5:45 – A shotgun??? What are we, the Bengals?
5:59 – Hanford was so nice to my father last year I can’t bring myself to be snarky.
6:08 – Winter is coming for the Clan of Modella.
6:22 – A USFL joke.  Donald Trump was part of the USFL and he’s a joke.  LOL, still good comedy nearly 30 years later.
6:47 – A montage!  Sometimes we need these while watching games live.
7:24 – Is it stranger that Weird Al is in charge of negotiations with the NFLPA or is that Meatloaf?
7:33 – Welcome to my nightmare?  I thought we were over seven minutes in???
8:20 – Listening to these rhymes makes me thing John Facenda is making others roll in their graves.
8:39 – I’m pretty sure there isn’t an NFL team called the ninjas, but we probably wouldn’t hear about it if there was.
8:55 – Okay, we’ve got Michael Stanley – he’s like a beloved Stan Bush of Cleveland.  High Five!
9:10 – I don’t know if Alex Bevin is in this video or not, because there’s a whole lot of Andrew McCarthy looking people.
9:23 – These are some of the worst fight scenes since we watched the Falcons and Buccaneers on Monday Night Football just two weeks ago.
9:28 – There’s a bear fighting a man in a furry diaper.  What the hell?
10:00 – I don’t want to work, I just want to bang on my dad all day.
10:10 – I’m running out of words to express what I’m seeing.
10:34 – I *think* that flip was a personal foul and should be a fifteen yard penalty, but NFL refs are only part time employees, so who knows??
10:42 – Why is that bear just watching?  Also, I’m pretty sure bears don’t just hang out in Cleveland.  Unless they are from Chicago, in which case they are eating wings at the Lizard – which makes NO sense at all in the animal kingdom.
10:44 – More inexplicable diapers.
11:02 – Metaphor alert.  We’re comparing diaper wearing, sword wielding men to other men who don’t carry swords and make five times your annual salary.
11:24 – Bernie alert.
11:28 – Those two weird guys from gym class who love dodgeball are shirtless boxing again.
11:40 – I really appreciate the black on red on moustache contrasted with the pink on black on mullet combo.
11:48 – Most of the people being carried off by trainers will be listed as “Probable: Decapitation” on next week’s injury report.
11:49 – I still don’t get the deal with the girl.  She should just jab him with a facemask.
11:52 – Tan on red to confuse the back on red and pink on black band mix.  Daring!
12:19 – I don’t get it, but the sword swinging is FANCY.
12:48 – That’s some Bro quality fish pumping right there.
13:46 – My blood is delicious.  Tastes just like ketchup.
13:21 – Dude, Baab just stabbed the crap out of that shadow.
13:36 – Not looking forward to the cameo from Jose Mesa where he loses the ring.
13:49 – Welp, there it is.  The metaphor for all Cleveland sports.
14:10 – Shout out to me for remembering Fike’s first name was Dan prior to Googling it.
14:18 – Whoa very Gone in Sixty Seconds to show the credits in the Baabarian’s ring.
14:58: Shout out to Dave Puzzuoli for being the Puzzmong, which is pretty much the dirtiest sounding name in quite a while.
15:22 – I thought this was supposed to be artistic, but the credits aren’t in Helvetica.
15:27 – We’ve got behind the scenes footage without some director waxing rhapsodic about the postmodern existential crisis of some minor character.  Score!
15:33 – Sleeveless shirt, mullet combo alert.
15:46 – Based on the credits, at least 750,459 people got their SAG card with this production.
16:05 – I want to know if the person who did the credits also voiced the computer in War Games.
16:20 – Where the heck is Felix Wright???????
16:25 – “Tony Roma’s: A Place for Ribs” provided food for the production which is good because Tony Romo’s would have had their meals intercepted.
16:34 – Kind of bullshit that ring considerations for the film weren’t provided by Gollum.
16:41 – This film needed two limousine companies.  TWO!  All I need is a taxi to make a film.
17:00 – Anyway, two thumbs up, would watch again.  3 thumbs up if there are officially licensed Baabarian Underoos I could buy.

This year we didn’t get to pack tortillas, nor did we bag onions with tears streaming down our faces (also known as a German sitcom), instead we bagged all of the apples.  This year’s Twin Cities Hiram College Alumni Volunteer Day was spent at Second Harvest Heartland in sunny suburban Minneapolis.

Anyway, here are 10 things I learned during AVD:

1.  Hiram people are good people.  We joke a lot about the “Hiram Hi” but in reality, it’s just an extension of who we are as a community.  I had no worries that our non-Hiram attendees would feel excluded or left out.  It was the opposite and reminds me of the values instilled in us during our time at the school.

2.  If you give me any object that slightly resembles a ball and a target, I will always pretend that I’m making the backhanded flip from second to the shortstop on a double play.

3. In ninety minutes, about fifty people can pick, bag and pack 9000 pounds of apples. That creates 7031 meals.  Our small Hiram AVD group combined to bag 1144 of those meals.

Do you want to kind of, maybe, slow dance, but I don’t know, maybe awkwardly speed it up occasionally too?

4.  Any event can be prom when Guns N’ Roses’ “November Rain” comes on the radio.  For example, this year’s theme was “A Magical Night in the Warehouse.”

5.  According to Second Harvest Heartland, one in six Minnesota children is at risk of hunger.  40% of the members of households they help feed are under the age of 18.  Minnesota families will miss nearly 100 million meals each year

6.  After an hour of picking apples, gray tainted rubber gloves resembles a visual metaphor for the Industrial Revolution.

7.  In our two and a half hours in the building, I think we saw four total employees.  Second Heartland is an organization that truly relies on volunteers to package and ship 85 million tons of food.

8.  I could *really* go for a cider right now.

The apples were like my Weekend College Geology course, I thought they were never going to end.

9.  Bagging apples is tedious work, and puts into perspective the time and effort it takes to get an apple from the orchard to the grocery store.  Something I don’t think we’re generally aware of as we pick one and place it in a little plastic bag before plopping it into our cart.

10.  AVD conversations always seem to revolve around coffee, beer, music and how from 1976 to 1996 nothing on campus changed at all.  Except how those jerks that came after us got things like cable and internet connections IN THEIR ROOMS or how I’m the jerk that actually had a phone in my room, like I’m the Queen of England or something.

10a. I’m already looking forward to AVD 2015.

I attended a conference call with my friends at the Browns tonight.  Since it was for Browns Backers presidents only, they were initially only accepting questions via email.  Since I’m a particularly inquisitive guy, I thought I’d send them my questions in advance so they’d have a few moments to mull them over.

Here are the sixteen burning off-season questions I submitted to the Browns:

1. The Browns have had 20 starting quarterbacks since 1999. In contrast, the United States has had only 44 presidents in 237 years. Have you considered scrapping training camp and replacing it with an open primary to determine our next signal caller?

2. Clock management has been a serious problem for the Browns over the last decade. Have you considered hiring Doctor Who as our next coach?

3. As you continue to strengthen your commitment to environmental sustainability, have you considered signing another player named Richardson and assigning him number 33 to reduce downstream jersey waste management?
3B. Or at least a Johnson with #85? I’d like my dad to feel relevant again.

4. Considering Buster Skrine’s improvement this season, have you considered cloning him to resolve our secondary issues?

5. If Train A travels from Cleveland to New Jersey at 75 MPH, how many years will it take for us to make the playoffs?

6. After a particularly stressful first round of the draft, I find that chicken fingers make an excellent comfort food. Does this work for you?

7. Have you considered getting the hardworking guys on our defensive line a Groupon? You know, for a spa day or something nice.

8. I know I said I would, but I don’t actually have to commit Seppuku if the Browns make the Super Bowl? Right?

9. When I’m yelling at the TV at Mackenzie’s Pub in Minneapolis, Minnesota can you hear me? If yes, I’m a little concerned the profanity might be harming American children.

10. If you see Mike Pagel around, tell him I said hello. I’ve never met him. I just think that would be nice.

11. It was a lot of fun watching Herschel Walker crossover from football to compete in the Winter Olympics. Do you think Spencer Lanning might be interested in curling?

12. I’m afraid to ask Tashaun Gipson for an autograph without wearing both a helmet and Kevlar vest. This concern is unfounded, correct?

13. How many lady supplies did you confiscate at FirstEnergy Stadium in 2013 because they weren’t in a clear plastic bag?

14. During the Jacksonville game this year, I purchased an Irish Coffee which was more expensive than my last trip to Ireland. Can you please explain this cost, or at least give me 3,446 Delta Frequent Flyer Miles instead of a souvenir coffee mug with my next beverage purchase?

15. Which is a riskier investment? The Facebook IPO *OR* buying the jersey of a Browns first round draft pick?

16. You guys should totally follow @FlyoverJoel on Twitter AND recommend him to your football friends.  What do you think?

On cold Minnesota winter nights, sometimes before I’ve retired in my flannel pajamas and sleeping toque, I like to fill our old water bed with a steaming vat of nacho cheese sauce and roll around amazed at the opulence that surrounds me. But not everyone can enjoy the finest of things in life. Many wonder where their next meal comes from or how they can feed their family today, tomorrow and well into the future.

That’s why we started #Tweet4Meat two years ago. #Tweet4Meat brings many of the smartest and funniest people on Twitter together to tell dumb jokes and encourage people to donate a few bucks to Heifer International. Tweet4Meat tweeters write things to make you laugh all year, or provide fodder for ill-advised or creepy @ replies without compensation. A donation to Heifer is a great way to repay them. To learn more about the amazing work Heifer performs world-wide, take just a few moments to read about their 12 Cornerstones for Just and Sustainable Development. Tweet4Meat donations help those who are much much less fortunate than we are. In the first two years, we’ve raised $7784 to buy chickens, pigs, bees and geese (although who in their right mind would want a goose is beyond me, since geese are such miserable bastards) for those people who can’t bathe in the deliciousness of transfatty acids just by stopping at the neighborhood gas station.

How can you help? There are two ways. The first is easy, between Wednesday, December 4th and the following Wednesday, December 11th please eschew that last non-fat, extra whip, soy pumpkin spice latte, or the first no-whip, whole milk, extra sprinkles peppermint mocha latte and instead donate a few bucks to Tweet4Meat. Help buy someone a bee beard to help feed and keep them warm. Or know that your donation is going to help those suffering the Philippines to get back on their feet. It’s your choice to help.  Here’s the link if you want to get a jump on the Internet lines to donate.

The second way is a little bit more work. From December 4-11, tell some #Tweet4Meat jokes and share the donation link. Harass your friends and followers. Beat up your loved ones for money. Sell Girl Scout cookies or mug a Salvation Army Santa for all we care, but encourage people to help.  The folks listed below have committed to telling you some jokes to raise money for Heifer International and so can you. Together we can make a difference and then come together on the Internet to complain about making a difference. Because after all fundraising, complaining and cats is what the Internet is about.

People who are participating in Tweet4Meat:

FlyoverJoel • juicymorsel • gneicco • alisonforns • AmberTozer • AngelaHelga • anythingatonce • BetterOffJen •BillMc7 • blobert • CabbageNews • Cheeseboy22 • CoatCzech • Cosell • cpinck • drivewaydranker • EccentricGent •FilthyRichmond • Greeblemonkey • HeyitsLori • Home_Halfway • Hormonella • IGotsSmarts • JennyPentland • jerryrenek • JoeSchmitt • John_M15 • JPHaddadio • juskewitch • karentozzi • LaetPO • Lafix • LifeCoachers • Meetingboy • MrBigFists • Nickadoo • OhNoSheTwitnt • Paxochka • ProfessorSnack • PuddingBoobs • ReelQuinn • RexHuppke • RockabillyJay • ScottLinnen • shanethevein • shariv67 • Smethanie • SortaBad • Squirreljustice • StellaRtwot • SteveHuff • susie_meister • TeaPartyCat • TheBosha • theguydf • theleanover • TheNardvark • TinyNietzsche • tnylgn • ToneLoaf • UncleDynamite • VerifiedDrunk • VocabuLarry • WarrenHolstein • yoyoha • JosephScrimshaw • Pauly_Miller • EricMarten • Untresor • Peter-john Byrnes • JaySuch • TheBlessMess • Kyle_Lippert • robfee • llvvzz • ManginaMcCool • TheWallStBull • and many more to come.

Last night I said to my wife quite possibly the saddest words ever expressed in the English language, “The guy in front of me just had his credit card declined for a can of Mike’s Hard Lemonade.” This was moments before we took our seats for the opening night of Nine Inch Nails’ Tension 2013 tour at the Xcel Energy Center in sunny Saint Paul, Minnesota.

The preshow crowd watching wasn’t as exciting as I thought it might be as most people were either sporting their fanciest foot long metal goatee or pulled out the only black t-shirt in their suburban closet—except for my wife, who was sporting quite a lovely Easter green. The only person who really made me wonder was the happy gentleman sporting his Anal Blast concert finest, although based on the graphic on the back it was really hard to tell if that blast was an implosion or explosion. The one thing I’ll never get used to about arena shows though are the people wandering around with hotdogs and tater tots at a concert.  I just seems weird to me.  Although, I did look at many concession stands and much to my consternation I couldn’t find any Nine Inch Nachos to snack on.

We grabbed some popcorn and headed to our seats, which actually turned out to be one of the most bizarre and disappointing aspects of the night’s event. We were in section 103, which was the side of the stage and were actually pretty good seats if you didn’t want to suffer a seizure during the intense light show. However, the Xcel staff ran caution tape across the last two seats of the row before the stairs to section 102 and placed numerous security staff on those stairs. You see, no one on the end of the row was allowed to use those stairs – and quite honestly even though they led down to the stage, there seemed to be no purposes in it other than to have the security staff talk during the entire show. Repeatedly, people snuck under, over or tripped through the caution tape to go up the stairs and repeatedly the security staff would tell them to go back and climb over the 20 people in their row to go to the bathroom or to fail in their attempt to purchase another can of Mike’s Hard Lemonade. My lovely wife’s typical form of social protest is threatening to write a strongly worded letter actually called a security employee over to our seats and told her to shut up. I’ve never been more proud.ne thing I’ll never get used to about arena shows though are the people wandering around with hotdogs and tater tots at a concert. I just seems weird to me. Although, I did look at many concession stands and much to my consternation I couldn’t find any Nine Inch Nachos to snack on.

Anyway, let’s get to the point. The show last night was excellent. The drumming was amazing and the light show even better. At one point, they had LED screens in front of and behind the band having some kind of funky red, green and yellow party and I thought to myself this could be the post-industrial Mos Eisley Cantina band for the spaceport in “Serenity.”

However, if your knowledge of Nine Inch Nails ends with “Downward Spiral” and a couple of radio play songs after that and you want to relive sitting in your dorm room playing “Pretty Hate Machine” while swilling Zima and talking about how you are going to stick it to the man by not having 2.5 kids, a minivan and a house in the Suburbs (you had 1.5 and an SUV instead, nice hustle) this is likely not the show for you. The show was exceptional, don’t get me wrong, and worth going to on the musical talents of Trent Reznor alone. Now if your thing is seeing the 25th anniversary of “Flood,” or “Doolittle” or “Copper Blue,” or Rancid’s 20th Anniversary, or Mike Doughty reimaging Soul Coughing you might come up a little short in your entertainment dollar.

This gets to one thing I didn’t understand about the show. It’s a rock concert, yell, scream, sing along, have a great time, but don’t just talk above the music for the entire event. We had numerous people around us, and keep in mind we paid $75 per ticket or a tick below the Federal deficit after Ticketmaster convenience fees, to hear two hours of music. We had several people who just wouldn’t shut the hell up for five minutes (this was on top of the non-stop talking of the security guards). That said, the drunken chatty guy in row 19 did provide us the most entertaining moment of the entire concert. There was about a five minute delay in the action due to a technology problem.

His buddy shouts out, “Head like a hole.”
“Black as your soul,” he calls back.
“I’d rather die”
“Then give you a home.”

Clearly, this was the concert he’s been waiting his entire life for.

Nine Inch Nails busting into an industrial wall of sound, didn’t happen often enough during the night to cover up this dude’s blathering. Instead, a lot of the show was more of an ethereal and dark Bjork. And because I wasn’t experienced in hearing Reznor with a live band, when he did beat our brains in with sound, I kept hearing Ministry’s “Jesus Built My Hotrod” in my head.

While I might have been annoyed with all the talking, surprisingly I wasn’t bothered too much by people holding their phones up to make a crappy video recording of the show as it seems to happen more and more lately. I suspect the reason for that is there was a EMP machine secretly embedded with the sound and light equipment exploding any cell phone attempting to record the show—at least if we suspend reality like they do on TV.

Overall it was a good show and entertaining. The encore was a serious downer, and more of an indulgent clapping intermission than a real please come back and give us more. When encores are scripted, it just feels contrived. The first song of the encore received the least applause and cheers of any song in the set and while Hurt was amazing as a final song, the whole extra session really felt like it sapped some of the energy from the crowd after closing the regular set with Head Like a Hole.
The net is this: My wife and I enjoyed the show and are glad we went, but it felt more like checking a band off a concert bucket list than an experience of a lifetime. Maybe it was my unfamiliarity with a number of the songs. Maybe it was the Xcel staff or the people around us who wouldn’t shut up. Or maybe the encore brought down my experience. I’m not disappointed in the show, but if you are a casual Nine Inch Nails fan, it’s just a decent show.

By some luck or fortune frowning upon me, my first genuine Cleveland Browns memories are the Tommy Kramer to Ahmad Rashad Hail Mary in 1980 and, of course, just two weeks later Red Right 88.

With all the adventures of being a host for Cleveland Browns fans coming to the Twin Cities for this week’s game, I thought it might be worth a few minutes to reflect on nearly four decades of being the equivalent of an Internet sensation who gets hit in the gems with a whiffle bat sixteen (and-very-occasionally more) Sundays each year.

We all know about the heartaches that come with being a Cleveland sports fan. Just like the weather, there is a gray cloud hanging over us. Even if at halftime or the seventh inning stretch feels like 75 and sunny, we know that within the hour the dark clouds will roll in and suddenly it’ll be sleeting, and frosty chunks of our breath will fall to the earth with a hearty splat.

But Cleveland sports memories are so much more than that.

I remember- before I learned that math is the work of the devil- adding the Browns halftime score to the opponents score, and vice versa to make sure the Browns were at least tied by the end of regulation.  I don’t know, even when I was little I wanted free football and unnecessary Cleveland drama.

I remember my mom insisting on vacuuming the living room during the early part of the second quarter as a “protest” related to existing gender roles about women hating football. This was, of course, after she made us hamburgers with Velveeta for the start of the game. I suspect melted Velveeta had as much impact on my childhood development as pumping lead marine gasoline as a teenager.e devil–adding the Browns halftime score to the opponents score, and vice versa to make sure the Browns were at least tied by the end of regulation. I don’t know, even when I was little I wanted free football and unnecessary Cleveland drama.

I remember lying on the couch bobbling a football during the Browns game until something (at least in fifteen to twenty intervals minutes) caused me so excited that I smacked myself in the nose with the ball, or worse, knocked over a lamp.

I remember my dad pouring a whole bag (Good God!) of Thomasson’s wavy potato chips into our giant silver bowl and me insisting on getting the biggest chip—Dad always let me take that chip and then I’d promptly bust it trying to get a massive glob of chive dip. In confirming how to properly spell Thomasson’s, I learned they were discontinued by their new owner in the last few years. Not as disappointing as say The Drive or The Shot, but it’ll get dumped into the “you can’t go home again” bin like my favorite Cleveland Heights bar if they close.

I remember walking out on the field (thanks HBO for putting a TV camera in my seat) during the inaugural Rock and Roll Hall of Fame concert and thinking “all my childhood sports heroes puked, bled or puked blood on this grass” as I walked to sit behind a real life Simpsons character in a Pink Floyd shirt who HATED George Clinton and Parliament Funkadelic.

I remember moving to Minnesota and getting harassed fifteen billion times because after every major event and minor non-event during a Browns game either my dad called or I called my dad.

I’ll never forget getting two phone calls from my dad during the Rancid concert and worrying the whole time there was a horrible accident only to call him afterward to learn he wanted to talk about the Trent Richardson trade for fifteen minutes. Only then in passing did he say, “Oh! By the way, your mother wanted me to tell you our cat died.”

And hopefully after this weekend is over, I’ll remember introducing my dad to Cleveland’s beloved Hanford Dixon who he surmised would be our guest only after three tries.

I’ll hopefully also remember taking him out on the Mall of America Field at the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome (I still owe the head of PR at the Mall of America for my slip up at their suite during the preseason) because I’ve spent the last seven years reliving the exact same stories from other people that I have to share.

For people who don’t understand sports, they don’t get that it’s not about the result on the field. At its deepest level, it’s about human connection. It’s not about The Fumble, it’s that Earnest Byner, for better or worse, is part of our family. It’s not about The Shot, because we’d all have Craig Ehlo over for Thanksgiving dinner because we know he wouldn’t burn our house down—at least during dinner. It’s about the seven minutes and thirty seconds between phone calls my dad and I make during each Sunday’s Browns game. It’s about answering the phone with a shrug and sigh when an opponent hits a field goal, and saying “talk to you soon” before resignedly ordering another beer, because I mean it. I’ll always talk to him soon when it comes to Cleveland sports.

For those of you not used to fancy acronyms, or didn’t attend Hiram College, AVD stands for Alumni Volunteer Day and functions in conjunction with Hiram College Campus Day the first Saturday in September. More informally, it means we pack up the car with family and head out somewhere to do volunteer work for a few hours and be the general do-gooders our alma mater tried to inspire us to be. This year, AVD events were held in such exotic locations as: Minneapolis-Saint Paul, Washington DC, San Francisco, Atlanta, Baltimore, Boston and Toledo. Everyone is jealous of the Toledo events.

The last two years, the Twin Cities group ventured out to the Como Woodland School to douse ourselves with poison ivy, spread mulch and generally get stabbed in the thumbs by buckthorn. This year, after some last minute issues, we went to Second Harvest Heartland in the western suburbs (SUBURBS!) to do whatever the Upper Midwest’s largest hunger relief organization asked of us, like wearing a hairnet on my chin. I don’t know if that was actually required, but I’ll do just about anything for a free commemorative event t-shirt.

Things I learned this year:
1. Tortillas are like snowflakes. No two are identical and I’m really good at catching them on my tongue when dropped from 10,000 feet.

2. I want to Rock n’ Roll all night and pack tortillas every day. Of all the skills I developed from my liberal arts education, nothing prepared me more for today’s work at Second Harvest Heartland like the four years I spent scrubbing pots in the deep sink, changing milk bags and wearing a stinky red polo shirt for the Hiram College Dining Services.

3. Nearly 600,000 people in Minnesota and western Wisconsin are food insecure. To put this in perspective, the population of Minneapolis is 387,753 and Saint Paul is 288,448. Individuals and families who don’t know where their next meal is coming from, have to decide between paying rent and buying groceries or can’t generate enough income from part-time jobs are considered food insecure.

4. Nobody can pronounce Hiram. I have yet to do an AVD event where the coordinator pronounced Hiram correctly. There are approximately 44 phonemes in the English language. Which by the transitive property, means there are 1,687,846,998 ways to pronounce Hiram College.

5. It doesn’t violate child labor laws if you don’t pay them. Organizations such as Second Harvest Heartland have excellent volunteer programs to help keep their costs down. Today was a family day at the facility and our small group from Hiram worked with kids and parents from around the greater metro area to pack tortillas and onions.

6. Speaking of tortillas and onions. Based on our work today, each individual packed an average of 99 meals for food insecure people. Hopefully that meal won’t just be tortillas and onions, unless, of course, they’re into that sort of thing.

7. Recently, Fox News commentator Thomas Kersting suggested that child hunger is a teaching moment for parents. He proudly reinforces the shame of being food insecure. As someone who spent some time eating government cheese as a child and wondering why my mom’s money looked different, maybe the solution is simple. Since these hungry children aren’t going to get food in his world, the government could sell the new surplus of government cheese and wipe out the deficit.

8. Over two hundred and fifty people participated in Hiram College AVD across the country. This is more people than were in my graduating class and I suspect that less than 18.2% of them were hung-over this morning—violating Hiram’s long venerated tradition of doing everything before noon with a hangover.

So that’s it. I probably learned a whole bunch more but I think that’s enough for today. As we all know, beer tastes better after doing some work, and, well, I did go to Hiram.

The awesome @chuckpantalones and I put together a Minnesota Macklemore version of Thrift Shop for you all.  Enjoy.

Lute, lute, lute, lute, lute…fiiiiisssssssssk

Bada, badada, badada, bada…
I’m gonna eat some meat.
Only got 20 Summits in my cooler.
I’m grilling, looking for some ketchup.
This is Minnesota.

Walk in to Cub like, “What up? I gotta big cart.”
Nah, I’m just playin’, already copped my steak at Walmart.
Ice still on my lawn, it’s been so damn frosty.
People be like, “Yea it’s cold here, honky.”
Rollin in hella deep, headin’ to cop some peppered greens.
Draped in Vikings pajama jeans, Packers fans are next to me.
(Cheeeeseheads)
‘Bout to buy some summer sweet… Oh corn is only 99 cents!
Coppin’ it, choppin’ it, serve up some cheese and crackers with it
Passin’ up the jalapeno dip, someone’s chip has been left in it
But me and this hot dish man
I’m hungry and it’s mom’s cookin’
Stuffin’ in my cheese and I’m hella happy that’s a burger, Lucy
I’ma take your grandpa’s toque, I’ma take your grandpa’s shovel,
No for real – ask your grandpa – can I have his snowblower? (Thank you)
Twins jumpsuit and some Wild slippers
Matching blue and red jacket I found that I’m diggin’
They had a bad season, bought tickets in that season
I bought suite tickets, then I bought a finger foam
Hello, hello, my ace man, my Mauer
Robinson Cano ain’t got nothing on my Twins game, hell no
We could take a pro-team, make them fail, for real though
The St Paul Saints be like “Aw, we got the real pros”

I’m gonna pull some tabs.
Only got 20 dollars in my wallet.
I’m drinking, lost in the skyway.
This is Minnesota.

What you know about rockin’ a wolf on your jersey?
What you knowin’ about wearin’ a timber trucker hat dirty?
I’m cheerin, I’m gripin, I’m losin’ right through the season
One man’s loss, that’s another man’s reason
Thank your granddad for the marshmallow landmark
‘Cause right now I’m stuck on Rod Carew.
I’m at Hubert’s, you can find me drinkin’ the Surly downtown
I’m not, I’m Google Maps searchin’ closures Crosstown
It’s Tammy, It’s Candy, Amanda, or Pammy
I’ll take a Norwegian mammie, second-hand, I rock that lutefisker
The sloppy buns with the crockpot, I’m that hotdisher
At Caribou in my minivan like a lattedrinker
They be like, “Oh, yaaah – your car is really nice.”
I’m like, “Yo – that’s Minnesota Nice for you’re a loser.”
Passive aggression, now let’s pay attention
Fifty cents for a pack of 3-shirts – that’s just some Menard’s saver (Big Money)
My minivan? Nuts rust-proofed and pimped (salt)
I call that getting tricked by my missus.
That sunroof’s lovely though
And having it re-duct taped on every spring is a hella don’t
Venison game, come take a look through my hunting scope
Tryna shoot deer with that brand? Man you hella won’t. Many you hella wont.

I’m gonna buy some tickets.
Only got 20 dollars in my wallet.
It’s a meat raffle, gonna win some jerky.
This is Minnesota.

I wear some cut off clothes
I look incredible
I won this big stuffed goat
From that carnie down midway
Either fried or frozen (damn right)
They both are edible (now come on man)
I’ll need some beer to play (big ass coat)
Off to Wisconsin, it’s Sun-day (let’s go)

I’ve gotta cross the state.
Only got 20 Leinie’s in my cooler.
I’m drivin’, looking for the border
Stupid Minnesota.

I’m gonna eat stick food.
Only got 20 tickets in my pocket.
I’m State Fairing, looking for some cheese curds.
This is Minnesota.

Is that your grandma’s dish?